Hi guys, it’s David Fox – psychologist and author of the books Change your Life and Black Belt Mind and I thought I would talk today a little bit about what many of my clients struggle with which is something that we all seem to struggle with from time to time.
I also thought that with everything happening out there in the world now with so many people having lost jobs or struggling with having so much uncertainty – that it would help to reframe a little.
So many people make comparisons between themselves and others. I have so many clients that come in and it doesn’t matter what it is that they come and talk about or compare themselves against – whether it’s struggling with their looks relationships, money, fitness level or anything really. What happens is that we start off talking about the issue that they are struggling with and most of the time I know where it’s leading so I try and guide people there. I know that it is usually connected to a lowered sense of self-esteem and to the belief that they are somehow not good enough.
It was Louise Hay who wrote the international best selling self-help book – “You can heal your Life” – who identified this as a core underlying negative belief that we all seem to have and I put my hand up for that one too!
If someone is talking about being made redundant and then feeling worthless or feeling not useful or they’re going through a divorce and they’re now looking at being single parents or they may have really struggled financially for a long time – we will discuss what the issue is but it often leads back to feeling not good enough in that area of their lives.
Sometimes we try and put in a lot of effort and action towards achieving the things that we want and we’re driving really really hard but there always seems to be something that trips us up.
That “something” is if we have a strong desire to be wealthy or we we want to be thin or have a really fantastic relationship but we have a belief somewhere – usually subconscious – that we can’t have it, then we are actually working against ourselves and not allowing our desires to become our reality.
I’ve been fascinated with this over the years because I’ve had people coming in for counseling who are well off financially and doing really well compared to most people but who still do not feel good enough.
I had a client once who at a very young age – early thirties – had already paid off his house and was earning a really good income but he was coming in and saying that he didn’t feel good enough. He was obsessively looking at people on LinkedIn and looking at who was doing better than him in terms of their perceived status or the kinds of roles they were in.
The important thing to look at is what you are measuring yourself against. What is success in life? Is success what’s in your bank account? Is success having the perfect marriage? What happens if you get divorced, does that make you a failure? I’ve been through divorce and so I’ve had to deal with the sense of not being good enough as well as the financial difficulties and stressors that come with immigration, redundancies and divorce.
We all have to work through these negative thoughts and beliefs and come to a stronger and more stable evaluation of ourselves and what we are TRULY worth and that is so important and critical to our sense of self-worth and well being.
This then leads into the idea of how do we begin to change the negative beliefs and begin to feel good enough? And that is the journey, the most important work that we need to do.
Every time we do think about something we want and feel a negative pull or we feel that we start self-sabotaging or procrastinating we should look at that and work it through and challenge the thought and eventually dissolve the negative “I am not good enough” belief.
We could do this on a thought worksheet. I always suggest that clients write these thoughts down and identify the thinking trap which could be something like overgeneralizing.
Overgeneralizing is when something has happened many times in the past and we then think and feel that it will just be more of the same in the future. It could be something like getting constantly getting into the wrong relationships or it could be starting a couple of businesses which have not worked or anything like that and so in our minds we’re saying to ourselves, “Well, it hasn’t worked before why would it work now?”.
And that is a thinking trap because as Tony Robbins says “The past does not equal the future”, but sometimes we get to a point of thinking that it’s useless to try. We resign ourselves to thinking it’s just the way things are and it’s just our lot in life. And so, we self sabotage when we try to act differently to our beliefs because we don’t feel that we deserve what we want.
And so it’s core to self-esteem and so important that we work towards improving and lifting our self-esteem to the point where we believe that we can have what we truly desire.
And when your belief matches your desire you will see results begin to happen. So I really encourage you to look at anything in your life where you’re struggling and feel that you don’t deserve or you’re not good enough and work to lift yourself above it and then when you take action, it will come from an inspired place. It will come from a place of belief and your efforts and your action will lead to more powerful results.
I hope it was helpful if you think this will be helpful to someone else please do share.
As always, I would love to hear your comments down below.
Have a great rest of the week!